'Never ask Dad what he does for work': Uncovering my family's decades-old secret

"Never ask Dad what he does for work." This was the unspoken rule that defined filmmaker Mike Lobel's childhood. 

For more than 30 years, Lobel and his siblings knew their family held a closely guarded secret. In the documentary Don't Come Upstairs, Lobel unravels the mystery that has always haunted his family: What was his father hiding? Why was the truth off limits? And what did it cost the family? 

Lobel's father, a charming but intense man, carefully managed what was revealed and what was kept out of reach — even from those closest to him. His children quickly learned not to probe.   

"We lived under the same roof, but we couldn't tell you a lot about him," says Lobel in the documentary. "That's the thing: none of us really know who Dad is."

Meanwhile, Lobel's mother was warm and perceptive, and held the family together while managing her own physical and mental health challenges. His younger sister grew up with a strong sense of responsibility and a need to maintain order, especially when the emotional  atmosphere at home felt unpredictable. His youngest brother moved through childhood more quietly, protective of his inner world. 

Lobel himself was the opposite: rebellious and attention-seeking. He gravitated toward stories early on, filming his toys and his family members. In his teenage years, he landed the role of Jay Hogart on the show Degrassi: The Next Generation, which he played for seven seasons.  

A family trying to find themselves

Now an adult and filmmaker, Lobel is turning the camera on his family once more. This time, he returns to the question that shaped his youth: What was his father hiding?

Lobel looks for answers by sifting through old home videos and photos, interviewing family  members, and filming the same toys he once did as a kid to recreate childhood memories and recurring nightmares. 

"When I was 10, I asked my dad what he did for a living for a Take Your Kid to Work Day school project," Lobel recalls. "He yelled at me. I never dared ask again."

But a story about one man's mysterious past eventually becomes a deeply human portrait of how secrecy and silence can echo through generations. In a family where no one was allowed to ask questions, trust became a liability. And that mistrust seeped into everything — how they loved, how they coped, how they parented. 

As Lobel contemplates becoming a father himself, he confronts the uncomfortable truth that emotional inheritance doesn't skip a generation unless someone is brave enough to face it. 

Watch Don't Come Upstairs on CBC Gem and the CBC Docs YouTube channel.